


Broken

by Breezy_Bee



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Avengers - Freeform, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Loki - Freeform, Medication, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:50:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breezy_Bee/pseuds/Breezy_Bee
Summary: I knew recovery was a long road; I’d been walking it for years. I’d been through med changes. I’d been through the ups and downs. And the truth was... I was just tired. I was tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of fighting. Tired of pretending. Tired of everything. This exhaustion was deeper than just the physical symptoms.





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this imagine on tumblr!  
> https://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/178954122985/imagine-loki-helping-you-through-a-new-medication

I was a zombie. No, I was past the zombie phase. I was just straight up _exhausted._ And I was starting to get frustrated. And distraught. This was supposed to be _helping_ me. Instead it was making me worse.

And logically, I _knew_ that new medication tended to make you dip before it picked you back up, but it had already been several weeks and two dose increases and things still weren’t better. I wanted to throw in the towel. It wasn’t working. I wasn’t sure it would ever work.

_Patience,_ my psychiatrist said. And I knew she was right. Depression didn’t work on a time table and medication wasn’t magic. It took time to get the medication and dosage right. And giving up after two increases wasn’t going to get me anywhere. If the next one didn’t help... We’ll, then she agreed that we would need to try something different. But we weren’t there yet.

I knew recovery was a long road; I’d been walking it for _years._ I’d been through med changes. I’d been through the ups and downs. And the truth was... I was just tired. I was tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of fighting. Tired of pretending. Tired of everything. This exhaustion was deeper than just the physical symptoms.

And then there was all the effort that I put into my great act. My mask. That was another level of exhaustion. Pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t... That was _hard_. And I had been doing it for _so long._ I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I wasn’t sure I was even _capable_ of being strong anymore.

I swiped at my leaking eyes and readjusted myself on the floor for the third time since I’d sat down. I tried to focus on the fireplace in front of me. The flames used to relax me. Now I just wished they would consume me. I sighed and cast a quick glance at the clock on the wall. Three-thirty in the morning. Witching hour. Just another reminder that I should be sleeping.

My boyfriend, Loki of Asgard, was having no trouble sleeping. Which was how I preferred it; that way he couldn’t see me like this. But he wasn’t stupid so I knew I that I probably didn’t have a lot of time until he figured it out. Or at least figured out that _something_ was amiss, since he had no idea that I even had a mental illness, let alone one that was overrunning my entire life. So far I’d managed to get away with the excuse of getting up early for beating him out of bed. And makeup went a long way towards hiding the bags under my eyes. And bright smiles hid the pain behind my eyes. And after years of pretending, I was excellent at acting like everything was sunshine and daisies when it was anything but.

But, like I said, I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I wouldn’t be able to keep the act up much longer. I wouldn’t be able to hide behind my mask. Because I was slipping. I was starting to get irritated at the smallest things and it had already earned me more than a few strange looks from him.

_Fuck._ My eyes watered again and I dropped my head into my hands. When had it gotten so out of control? When had it started running my life? I didn’t know. I knew that I was ashamed and embarrassed.

_Why can’t you just snap out of it? Other people have it so much worse than you. You’re being irrational._

I _knew_ all of that! People had routinely thrown those phrases at me in the past. As if I wasn’t aware. As if I was willingly going through this. As if I was just trying to get attention. I choked back a sob. How could I possibly expect Loki to still love me after he found out about this? I was _so broken._

I bit my lip, trying my best to keep quiet as the emotions engulfed me. I had never met anyone who actually understood what I was going through aside from my psychiatrist and counselor. But a part of me felt like they didn’t count. Because they were trained to understand and deal with these things. I’d never met another person outside of my treatment that understood. Even my own mother, the only family I had left, had walked away from me after my diagnosis.

_Selfish_ , she had called me.

While I knew that that wasn’t true, the word still stung. And it still hurt that she didn’t even try to understand what I was going through. It had set the precedent for everyone else I had ever told. Relationships? Forget those. They always left after I opened up to them. So I stopped telling them.

And I had held true to that, refusing to give a voice to my pain in Loki’s presence. But it was all about to come crashing down.

I took a shuddering breath and tried to calm down. Freaking out was _not_ going to help and it would probably just spin me into a panic attack. So I did my breathing exercises and closed my eyes. I hugged my knees to my chest and laid my head down on the surface the position created.

Maybe... maybe I could catch a few minutes of sleep... I just had to calm down. I had to relax. I had to breath. I had to remember that, no matter how bleak things seemed, the sun would rise in the morning. Maybe things would look better in the morning light. I gave a soft, cynical laugh. Things tended to look worse when the sun was shining, in my opinion. It was as if the sun was mocking me and my darkness with it’s bright light.

I started humming softly to myself as I rocked back and forth. I concentrated on my made up song and just let go. I just... let... go...

* * *

I woke up violently. I came up swinging, my heart racing, confusion consuming me. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know what was going on.

“Shhh,” a voiced murmured. “It’s okay. Did you sleep here all night?”

_Fuck._ Understanding hit me like a truck. I must have passed out in front of the fireplace last night after my mini melt down. And I hadn’t gotten up before Loki. And now... I was propped up on the floor with my back against the couch. He was crouched in front of me. My bottom lip quivered at the implications. I had known my time was running out, but I thought I’d have a little more time than this.

I fought for normalcy. “No...?” Shit. That was the opposite of normal. “No. I got up early and I must have drifted off...” Better, but still not terribly believable.

I watched a frown twist on his lips. “What time did you get up? It’s only twenty after five.”

_Double fuck._ “Um, I’m not sure. I didn’t look at the clock. I got up to pee and then I just sat down...”

Ohhh, this was going downhill so fast. His frown deepened. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ I felt my eyes well up. This was it. This was the end. I wasn’t going to be able to lie myself out of this one. I wasn’t going to be able to hold it together long enough to try. I bit my lip hard, trying to bring myself back to the moment.

“I guess I was having trouble sleeping,” I finally admitted quietly, dropping my head so that my hair fell into my eyes.

He didn’t say anything for what seemed like a long time. I’m sure it was no longer than thirty seconds or so. But it felt like a lifetime.

“Again? You haven’t slept more than a few hours a night for months.”

My heart dropped to my stomach with his words. _Stupid!_ I was so stupid. Did I really think I would be able to fool a Norse God into believing my white lies? _Especially this God._ I should have known better. My throat burned with the effort of keeping my tears at bay. I slowly drew in a breath.

I didn’t know what to say.

His hand came up and tilted my head so that our eyes met. I slid my eyes away from his and he made a frustrated noise.

“Look at me.” His words were gentle, but commanding.

I lifted my eyes. What he saw in them, I’ll never know, but his jaw clenched and my heart spasmed. I wanted to look away, but found myself held captive in his eyes. There were so many emotions swirling in their depths that I couldn’t pick them apart.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on with you?” he asked softly.

“I...” My voice cracked. I tried again. “Not particularly...”

He sighed. “I have been very patient with you, love. But I cannot be patient when you are so distressed. Tell me how to help.”

I sobbed, but tried to swallow it. It came out garbled and I couldn’t bear to look at him any longer.

“You can’t,” I practically wailed. “It’s... Its just who I am.”

I began crying in earnest, my emotions taking me over completely. He sank down to the floor and pulled me into his lap. He whisked one hand through my hair soothingly while the other held me tight around my waist. He rocked me back and forth, singing to me quietly in another language. I fisted my hands in the material of his sleep shirt, sucking in desperate breaths as I tried to calm down for the second time this morning.

It took me much longer to come down this time around. Probably because there was more at stake. I licked my lips and tried not the think about it, lest I work myself up again. I felt Loki press a kiss to my forehead and almost lost it again.

“ _Please,”_ he entreated. “Let me help you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I bit my lip. Did I dare? I shook my head slightly and he tightened his arms around me. _Please._ I just... I didn’t even know how to tell him. I didn’t even know _what_ to tell him. There was so much...

“I can’t help if I don’t know. I want to, _no,_ I _need_ to help you,” he pleaded.

The raw emotion coloring his voice ended up making the decision for me. I opened my mouth and just started talking. It was word vomit that no one except my counselor had ever heard.

I apologized for lying to him. I told him that I didn’t want to lie to him, but I wanted to keep him. I told him about how I was worried he would be disgusted with me. I told him about my nightmares. I told him about the insomnia. I explained my mood swings. I told him about the new medication. I told him about my mother. I told him about counseling. I told him about _everything._

I talked until I was hoarse. And he didn’t interrupt. He just held me and listened. It was far more therapeutic than I thought possible. I took a couple of deep breaths when I was done and closed my eyes, reveling in the relief coursing through me. And I tried very hard not to think about what Loki’s reaction would be.

It was a long time before he said anything.

“I’m proud of you.” He said it simply, as if it was just another fact of life. “It takes great courage to face your inner demons.”

I swallowed thickly, trying to comprehend what he was saying. “But... _I’m broken.”_

“No, you’re not. You’re a work in progress,” he corrected, loosening his grip and turning me in his lap until I was facing him. “That does not mean you are broken.”

I felt the tears form again, but these weren’t tears of sadness. They were a product of relief, pure and simple. This... this wasn’t rejection. This was validation. This was acceptance. This was... new.

His hands cradled my face, his expression serious. “I don’t want you to feel as if you need to hide from me. I will help you through this. You _will_ get through this.”

I gave him a small smile and nodded. It was amazing how empowering it was to have someone in your corner. I had never known anything like it. I knew that I didn’t want to walk this path alone anymore. And I didn’t have to. Loki had made that much clear.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“You don’t have to thank me. I will _always_ be there for you. You are stuck with me, I’m afraid.”

I gave a little giggle and met his eyes. They were no less intense, but they were shining brightly. He smiled at me before leaning in and planting a sweet kiss on my lips. It was soft and slow. It was the reassurance that I needed.

It was perfect.

Everything was going to be okay. Loki was right; I _was_ going to get through this. And I was going to do it with him at my side.

It was more than I could have hoped for.


End file.
